I used to believe in God unquestioningly. OK, so admittedly I was about 8 and believed in Santa and the tooth-fairy (who I tried to invite to my birthday party at around this age - never turned up, the bitch!). Then I believed in Him self-consciously, with a degree of questioning. But I still had Him to turn to when I needed him.
Over the last couple of years I've lost my faith. It seems to me that just because we may "want" some sort of purpose in our world, it doesn't make it so. Yes, terrible occurrences in War and weather may be a "test." Yes, sometimes it appears that prayers are answered. But... really?
So I've been booted out of a world in which I felt at least there was some sort of 'guiding force' to a world of chaos, spinning through space in an unknown universe. Death looms in front of us like a black void and nothing is "known."
I miss God.
I miss feeling at least that there "might" be someone to answer my prayers - or at least listen. I miss the feeling that there "might" be something beyond this life. But I can't make myself believe in him anymore.
Like Santa and the tooth-fairy, it was a happier world when I believed.
I apologise to anyone religious reading this - I'm jealous, really. Say "hi" to God for me... x